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Beauty Information |
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Face Off
The other day, I indulged in one of my many guilty pleasures. Specifically, I watched a programme called "Face Lifts From Hell." Like many factual programmes, you can learn a little something from "Face Lifts from Hell", and tonight I took away this little nugget: It's not immigrants or asylum seekers that are putting a drain on the national health service. It's idiots from this country. One woman on tonight's programme (and I don't want to appear misogynistic, but there were no men featured; draw your own conclusions) went on a surgery holiday. The basic premise is that you go on a package trip with a group of other desperate people, and they cart you off to Poland to have various bits of your anatomy sucked, snipped, sliced and tightened. This woman, who, due to numerous face-lifts, looked like she was constantly hurtling forwards at about 97 miles an hour, had some sort of breast-enhancement and, after surgery, was taken to a small apartment in a block with all the other patients and left there to recuperate. She was essentially dumped in a flat in Poland and left to her own devices with a group of equally vacuous and recently-mutilated women. Perhaps unsurprisingly, she contracted an infection. She then came back to the UK and, at a cost of Ł5,000, had to have things fixed. (Her bosom was left comically lopsided, to my great amusement, but this is a serious point. Ironically, a serious point is also what one of her boobs was left with.) If this was an isolated case I could let the matter go, but the entire programme was like a hit parade of idiots who now had bodies as defective looking as their brains almost certainly are. One woman - I swear this is the truth - was talked into cosmetic surgery by a travelling face-lift salesman. I'm not making this up. Someone came to this woman's door and convinced her to get a face-lift she didn't really want. I have enough trouble figuring out how my dad always seems to end up with windows and bank accounts he didn't have any intention of aquiring after someone knocks on the door, but how in the name of all that is holy can you even consider listening to someone who goes door to door trying to convince people to be drugged to unconsciousness so that a stranger can slice into them and pull their skins on tighter?! Am I the only one who would hear alarm bells ringing in my head if this happened to me?! Possibly, yes, as this woman leapt at the chance and was genuinely surprised when things ended in tears. Another woman travelled from Turkey for liposuction, and woke up a week later in a different hospital with what can only be described as a seam. She now looks like you could unzip her and keep pencils in her stomach. Apparently the surgeon, who, wouldn't you know it, had a history of this sort of thing, botched the operation, severed an artery, and had to rush her to a (stop me if you see this coming) NHS hospital for treatment. While I'm ranting, I may as well mention the lap dancer who wanted her breasts increased from a B cup to a C. She woke up with an F (am I the only one who pictures her relatives standing around with deeply interested looks and yelling "SURPRISE!" as she comes to?) and as a result could no longer lap-dance. Not to fear. She's since become a teacher. Perhaps this goes some way to explaining the state of the education system, too, but that's another story. Our penultimate contestant tonight was a heavy smoker with a heart condition (who, funnily enough, was starting to look a little aged.) She was, to be charitable, nothing special to look at anyway. She also happened to neglect to mention her heavy smoking and heart problems to her surgeon, and ended up having a stroke from the stress of the procedure. What a shocker. However, our prize winner tonight was a woman who had two children and put on weight (she actually put on the equivalent amount of weight of two ten-year-old children, by my calculation) and was offered a stomach reduction and lyposuction on (just the girls! People on the left! All together!) the NHS. Her operation wound became infected, and she contracted gangrene. But this isn't the end of the story. Oh no. After three days, she was allowed home, and was, in her own words, in agony. She then suffered several fits. This, I'm sure you'll agree, is where most of us would plan a return to the hospital. Instead, without going into the exquisite and mind-numbingly sickening detail she indulged in, she waited a further five days (with her condition becoming progressively worse) and nearly died. Now, is it me, or is there a pattern, here? From what I can see, the sort of people who have cosmetic surgery are the same sort of people who travel to a Polish ghetto for operations, accept advice from travelling facelift salesmen, who don't think that mentioning your liability to have a heart attack mid-operation is anything to trouble your doctor with, and decide that having a series of fits following an operation should be considered a "wait and see" sort of situation. People who go in for cosmetic surgery, by and large, are stupid. Now, I'm not for a moment suggesting that there aren't good reasons. If you've been burned or damaged in some severe way that wasn't your fault, or if your body really does look terrible for whatever reason, I can understand the desire to do something about it. Otherwise, here's a pretty solid, iron-clad law of physics from someone who was a straight C student in science: People get older!! Believe it or not (you probably will, I'm quite dull) you've aged since you started reading this. Yeah, you. You, there, in the chair, looking at the screen with the slightly slack-jawed expression you didn't realise you adopted when you read things. Most people just accept it and move on with things. If you can't, here's the first of my tips: Stop smoking. Without exception, every single woman of 50-something I've ever seen cram her flabby, drooping body into an outfit far too low, high, tight and stretchy for her has also had a cigarette in her mouth. And too much makeup, but one thing at a time. If you want to stay young-looking, stop poisoning your lungs and skin with nicotine. It'll do you wonders. Secondly, here's my tip for losing weight without having to have a vacuum cleaner inserted into any orifices or incisions. It's a simple equation: Less food, more exercise. Or, even, equal it out. Exercise proportionate to how much you're eating. Keep an eye out for this, you'd be surprised how many fat people seem oblivious to this law. As soon as people start to accept that shit (and age) happens, and begin to look after themselves, they'll stop being a drain on the NHS from their botched face-lifts ("Who knew 'Crazy Achmed' wasn't a reputable surgeon?!") and everyone else with real injuries might get some frigging treatment. This, more than anything else, is the problem with the world today. Years of increased convenience (remember when you had to walk to a certain part of the house just to make a phone call?!) has left western humanity softer than an impotent marshmallow and just desperate for someone or something to blame, and for someone or something else to fix it. "I'm 50 and don't look as good as I did at 19! There must be someone to blame and some procedure I can have!" It's just going to happen, people, and until we all start to face up to the simple and oft-overlooked fact that life has a habit of sucking, we'll never get anywhere. And the people who can't accept that, of course, also can't accept it when their desperate, sad attempts to beat the cosmic house fail, and so they complain about that. I guess, at the end of the day, I'm trying to get across a simple message: You were the one who chose to have that operation, madam, and if it doesn't turn out well, there's nobody to blame but yourself. Incidentally, I have another weight loss tip. If you can't bear to exercise and cut back on what you eat, just smoke yourself thin. You'll look old, but I can give you the number of a really good plastic surgery salesman. Honest. He's just knocking on the door, now... Luke Haines
MORE RESOURCES: What's new beautiful? The expert's guide to this week's best beauty Yahoo Lifestyle Canada Mom Knows Best! 10 Vogue Editors on the Essential Beauty Tips Their Maternal Figures Taught Them Vogue From Ouai Perfume to The Ordinary Foundation: LTKâs 10 Top-trending Beauty Products in March - WWD Why my 78-year-old grandmother's glowing skin is making 20-somethings ask for her beauty secret (and what she tells them) JournĂŠe Mondiale Local artist turns grief into a thing of beauty The Coast Halifax In photography and furniture design, Alison Postma finds beauty in the unexpected The Globe and Mail Drought-defying beauty: Three red perennials for the water-wise garden - Gardening with nature Castanet 40 Strategist-Approved Beauty Products on Sale Right Now New York Magazine âYou have to look the partâ: How much a flight attendant spends on beauty in a month Fashion Journal How to Get Beauty PR Right in Africa The Business of Fashion Photographing the Beauty of the North The Atlantic How a health scare led this entrepreneur to build a cleaner beauty brand The Globe and Mail How to be a more conscious beauty consumer hyphenonline.com Erin Morgenstern on the Beauty & Magic of The Night Circus reactormag.com Kirby McInerney LLP Urges Investors in e.l.f. Beauty, Inc. (ELF) to Inquire About Their Rights in Class Action Lawsuit GlobeNewswire 6 Top Beauty Industry Trends (2025 & 2026) Exploding Topics How to charm the West. Discover the beauty of Ĺ koda posters Ĺ koda Storyboard "A Miracle In A Bottle": 26 Beauty Products Reviewers Wish They Could Give More Than 5 Stars buzzfeed.com From hair hacks to melt-proof makeup tips â discover our new Cosmo Summer Beauty Special on newsstands today Cosmopolitan If I Could Only Use 15 Beauty Products, I'd Choose These Who What Wear I Just Tried Chanel Skincare for the First Time, and Beauty Editors Are RightâThese Products Are Fantastic Who What Wear A review of the book 'Birds, Sex and Beauty' by Matt Ridley Psychology Today /C O R R E C T I O N -- Stripes Beauty/ StreetInsider TikTok Sparks 22% Rise in Beauty Sales on Social Media in 2024 Beauty Packaging 8 skincare and beauty products you should be using every day if you're over 50, according to a dermatologist Yahoo Lifestyle Canada Trends and forecasts in the beauty-from-within sector NutraIngredients.com âThatâs the Beauty of Theater, It Parallels Your Life In Sort of Mysterious Waysâ: Adeel Akhtar, Back To One, Episode 338 Filmmaker Magazine Quo BeautyÂŽ is turning 25! Loblaw Companies Ltd. Do Beauty Brands Need Sample Sales? The Business of Fashion As a perfume-obsessed beauty editor, I canât believe itâs taken me 25 years to try this classic Y2K scent Marie Claire UK How Miranda Kerrâs KORA Organics redefines beauty and skincare Forbes Australia LEGO's Limited-Edition 'Beauty and the Beast' Set Is Designed for Disney Adults and Young Adults Alike Rolling Stone 7 lesser-known mountain towns that rival the beauty of Banff National Geographic 'Beauty' particle discovered at world's largest atom smasher could unlock new physics - Live Science On beauty, Shaggy, and fatness The Georgia Straight I travel for a living - these are the 9 beauty products I would never leave home without Woman & Home Beauty is a Blast: for Jeremy Gilbert-Rolfe The Brooklyn Rail Tyla Switched Up Her Signature Brows With Bold Color The Zoe Report New Partnership Forms to Share the Beauty of Arts Hungary Today My Cycling Instructor and I Tested 12 "Sweat-Proof" Beauty ProductsâOnly These Passed the Test Who What Wear How a Childhood Passion Turned into a Successful Nail and Beauty Business â Anna Chuiunâs Story CEOWORLD magazine Itâs Official: SZAâs âNot Beautyâ Line Is Coming Harper's BAZAAR You little beauty - 24 Apr 2025 - Chat Magazine Readly | All magazines - one magazine app subscription How Nara Smith Chose Her First Beauty Campaign The Business of Fashion I Asked Beauty Editors to Test 3 TikTok-Viral Lip StainsâThis Was the Undeniable Favorite Who What Wear 40 Beauty Products With Results So Magical, Youâll Wish You Started Using Them A Decade Ago buzzfeed.com I Tested 6 of Merit's Most Popular Beauty Products: Here Are the Ones You Should Definitely Buy. Good Housekeeping After Beauty in Black Success, Netflix Reveals Premiere Date for Tyler Perry's Next TV Series Comic Book Resources |
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